Life is Great, Gettin' Better....♪♫

     So, Judgment House is over :'(  But it was awesome!!!!! 40 Salvations!! And just all around great times.  Couldn't top it if I tried.  And it really helped me get to know some people and feel more.....at home, i guess....in the group.  I'm still not really friends with anyone :/ But at least don't feel as awkward......
     Saturday night after Judgment House was over, we all went to Spencer's house for Star Wars nite :D His room.....danggggg......He's more of a Star Wars freak than I am! hahaha, he's awesome.  Only a few of us actually stayed for the whole movie lol.
     Sunday morning, it was.....different......Brad noticed it too.  In his words, "Everyone talked together."  There weren't all those little groups, isolated, closed systems of gossip and gregarious frivolity.  Instead, we were all talking in 1 or 2 large groups.  And these groups interacted with each other.  And I actually felt comfortable enough to be a part of the group.  It was weird, but it felt really good. 
     Then, last night, I went to Megan G.'s bonfire.  It was fun.  Most of the people I really feel most comfortable around were there.  We laughed, talked, joked around.  I didn't know everyone, but I knew most of them.  It was nice, just sitting around a fire, going on a hayride, joking around with people, scaring a few.  It just felt.........natural. 
     I just hope all this can last.  I hope it's not just forgotten in a couple of weeks.  I think too much.  I wish I could just enjoy the good things while they last, but I can't stop my mind from running a hundred miles an hour, rationalizing and predicting.  And I know I'm usually right.  Which is depressing, because all that it tells me is the human nature is to have highs, and then forget and fade back into mediocrity.  
     But while it's here, I'm going to make the most of it.  I just am.  It's all I got and, whether it lasts or not, I need to make some memories. 
     Thanks to everyone that's made the past two weeks possibly the best in my life.  And I mean that.

Judgment Hoooouuuuuuuuuse!!!!!!

     Yeah. So, that's pretty much what's going on.  I'm on a TOTAL high right now.  Thursday we started Judgment House, and it's going awesomely.  And, in a way, I think it's actually helping me feel more comfortable with the youth group.  I just hope I get more comfortable and that after all this is over in about a week, that I'll be able to find a permanent place here.  I so hope I can. 
     Anyway, Judgment House is, of course under insane attack by the Devil, with health, relationships, external influences, blah blah blah.  Just pray for it.  And all those involved.  :)
     This is the first time in.......wow....maybe......ever.........that I feel......alive.

A Place to Call Home

   So, I'm just really conflicted and confused right now.  Life is kinda just pulling me in a thousand directions.  On one hand, I just want so desperately to fit in.  I think I'd do just about anything, but when I actually need to step out of my shell, I just can't.  I can't even seem to accept help from people.  It's not that I don't want it.  I desperately need and want it.  I just have no idea how to accept it.  It's like.....a......foreign language.  I just need someone to teach it to me. 
     Anyway, in a way, things seem to be looking up.  But I really don't know.  I'm just so confused.  A lot of people seem to be caring in little ways, but I'm just....i don't know, I can't seem to make it possible to make it possible for them to comfortably do anything more, even though I know some of them want to and are trying. 
     So tonight I was at JAM and Judgment House rehearsal at church.  It was really bittersweet somehow.  On the one hand, it was amazing.  It just was.  But on the other hand....I don't know.  I was watching everyone (like always, it seems) and I just want so bad to be a part of the group like everyone else.  I don't want to be treated special.  I don't to be handled with kid gloves.  I just want to fit in.  I want the love and caring and support system more than anyone can imagine.  But I want something else too.  I want to be jokingly pushed and shoved.  I want someone to take a glancing swing at me for a smart remark.  I want someone to tackle me just for the lark of it.  I wanna chase and tackle someone because they threw something at me.  I wanna sit next to someone on the couch and just laugh and talk and belong.  That's it.   I just want to belong.
     Anyway, that's it.
    Oh, and if anyone reads this, would they comment or something?  I'm just wondering if anyone ever actually reads this.  If no one's interested, then I'll probably just start writing in a diary or something.  But if you want me to keep posting, then comment and tell me!  Thanks.