You're Hot and You're Cold, You're Yes Then You're No♪♫

   That certainly applies to me.  Like last night at Homecoming.  Until about 10 o'clock Thursday night, I didn't think I could go.  Then, to make a long story short, my friend next-door and her mother forced me to ask because they knew how much I wanted to go, and when I finally asked (or, rather, my friend asked) I was allowed to go and it all worked out fine.
   So, I ended up going to Homecoming.  Before I say anything negative, let me say that I had an amazing time.  But I didn't dance once that entire night. I have no idea how to dance, but that wasn't really what held me back.  It was simply an excuse. I just have no idea how to just "have fun."  I can't just let my hair down.  I don't know how.  I guess that when you keep everything under control for so long, and hide everything you feel so well, even when you try to let it out, all that shows through is the melancholy.  I don't understand how let it all go.  I wish I did.  I wish someone would teach me to be alive again.  Or rather, just be alive, because "again" wouldn't apply here.  I would give anything just be like all those people just having fun, just living.  But the only place I ever feel alive and like I fit in is in things like Bible studies and Sunday School classes.  Literally.  I'm never comfortable anywhere else.  What I really need is just one person, just one person, who will just take control of me and teach me what it means to live, to be free.  I try, but it would take a lot of patience, a lot of work, a lot boring time spent trying to get me to let go.  But if someone, anyone, would do that, I would give back so much more than they could imagine. 
   So basically, I loved Homecoming, but it was very bittersweet. 
P.S.  All my friends were stunning :D

It's an Ordinary Day. Things are Crazy, But It's Alright♪♫

   Not much going on, but not nothing either :P  Spirit Week at school, Premiere Week for tv shows :D  Me and Kelsey are gonna have the BEST Nerd Day outfits!  And tomorrow's See You At The Pole, so I'll be going to church in the morning as a TOTAL nerd haha!  But it's all good, they'd (mostly) see me at school anyway :P  Thursday is Class Color Day, and me and Kelsey will be matching with blue t-shirts, blue jeans, blue beanie hats, and (possibly) blue spray-painted hair ^_^ So yeah, life's pretty good at the moment, but it's one of those things where it could just go really right or really wrong. Just kinda depends on what happens next.  Well, let's hope it's good.

I'm Learning to Live♪♫

   Well, last night was fantastic.  My Sunday school teacher, Miranda, had a game night at her house with our class.  It was awesome.  We had biscuits and chocolate gravy :P DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU TRY IT!!!  it was actually really good!  Then we played Catch-Phrase (I ROCK at that game, along with Miranda and Emily Gideon haha!) and we had some valuable conversations.  It was nice, just hanging out with other teens and having good NORMAL fun. 
   That's something I just don't really know how to do.  I never just have fun.  It's hard, knowing what to do in a non-serious situation.  In situations where most people are awkward and clueless, and totally at a loss, I'm completely at home, and instinctively know what to do.  Like at funerals and stuff like that. I can comfort people in ways that others can't.  I don't know how, but I just do.  But in places where everyone is comfortable and is just having nice, meaningless fun, I'm totally lost. I hate that.  But no one will try to show me how to just cut loose and let my hair down.  That's something I really need.  But maybe I just will never get it.  I don't know. 
   But last night was nice.  I lost myself for just a little while, while we were playing Catch-Phrase.  It was weird, and yet, it felt soooo good.  I just hope that I can find a place in my youth group.  I hope I can make some friends and become a fun person to be around. I just need someone to teach me....
   Anyway, last night was the best time I've had in a long time.  I need more of that.  Thanks Miranda!

If we are the Body, why aren't His arms reaching?

  Why aren't His hands healing?  Why aren't His words teaching?   Some of you may know that song from Casting Crowns.  Well, since this past Saturday, that's kinda been the theme of my experiences.  On Saturday I had a blast at one of my friend's church.  The youth group had a movie and game night.  It was amazingly fun, but the movie got me thinking. 
   We saw the movie "To Save a Life."  First of all, I'm gonna say that it is now one of my favorite movies ever.  It was about pretty much every teen issue you could come up with, and had a phenomenal Christian message.  It really got me thinking about reaching out and helping and accepting people. 
   Then on Sunday evening, after the always-enjoyable usual church service that morning, I went with my youth group to an event called "The Stand."  That, my friends, was an experience.  There was a lot of singing, and a message.  It basically challenged Junior High through College aged kids to reach out in their schools and "take up their cross."  It really made me start reconsidering the way I've handled myself. 
   One thing that was stressed was the fact that we will be judged, persecuted, and rejected if we stand up for our faith.  We have to accept and deal with that.  Jesus DIED for us, so being a bit of a social pariah at  times seems but a small price to pay.  In addition, in my case at least, I'm already unpopular!  I don't have anything to lose.  And personally, I'd rather be unpopular because I AM someone, not because I'm no one. 
   And really, why do we pretend be someone or something just to please other people?  I would far rather be hated for who I am than be loved for someone I'm not.  God made each and every one of us for a reason.  He has a purpose and a plan.
   That's not to say that I feel that way all the time.  In fact, most of the time I actually feel totally meaningless and purposeless.  But that's something that I'm going to have to work through, and now I have some people who are willing to help me, so I can finally start figuring out how to get past all my issues.  But until I figure it all out, I'll just keep telling myself that and keeping a good attitude and trusting God. 
   So, basically, I've been thinking a lot and I'm going to be changing some things. :) And I've had some amazing experiences that have in fact made a very important impact on me.

Just Hangin'

   So, nothing too exciting is happening right now, still lookin' up and actually enjoying life for once.  Not necessarily because everything is perfect, but because I've had an attitude change.  Amazing what that can accomplish.....
   I'm going to a friend's church for a movie and game night tonight, and then I have church in the morning. :) School's going good, and life is just pretty much looking up.  Still struggling with a lot right now, but with the support that I've now realized some people are willing to give, I'll get through it all.
   Oh! And I have some new favorite songs lol ♪♫ They're not new, and I don't know if you guys are interested, but it's my blog, so I suppose I'll post'em:  American Dream by Casting Crowns, Dead Serious by ZOEGirl (now disbanded:( ), You Get Me by ZOEGirl, and Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns ♪♫

Well Brad and Nehemiah, It's a good lesson.

   So at church Wednesday night, the lesson was from Nehemiah.  It was about how Nehemiah helped the Israelites rebuild the wall around Jerusalem.  Brad (my youth pastor) made the point about how when Nehemiah had a problem, he took it to God and left. it. there.  Well, as I stated in my last post just earlier tonight, I was really upset about some stuff, mostly having to do with a friend.  Well, also as my previous update stated, I finally was able tonight to do just that.  I left it with God and decided I was going to continue with my life and just trust Him to work it all out.  Within two hours, I got a text from my friend (who lives next door) saying that she was "embarrassed to ask this, but ur the only person i hvnt asked, can i use one of ur bakpaks?  im rlly srry...."  We'd texted some today, so she knew that I wasn't mad at her.  I of course promptly emptied out my extra backpack and scurried over there to give it to her.  What ensued was a 20 minute conversation through her open window that resulted in my being able to explain the entire situation (which had happened nearly two weeks ago) and her understanding.  Now everything is fine.  Really just a lesson in trust and obedience in my book.  So, all of you that were there Wednesday night (and those of you who weren't) and were thinking "But that never works!":  It works.

Well, It's been one of those days....

   I just got some stuff goin' on, and it's really getting me down.  I have a friend that I'm afraid I might have lost.  She was angry at someone else, somehow through some different twists, I've been lumped together with that person.  And there was a HUGE misunderstanding about the entire situation.  I keep waiting for her to come around, but I'm not sure if she ever will.  I'm doing everything I can, but I'm just at a loss now. 
   It's looking like there might be reconciliation at some point in time.  Maybe.  But I'm really not at all sure.  I just wish I knew what to do.  Why can't God just come down and give me a message saying "Do the below steps in sequential order, and ALL WILL BE RESOLVED"???
  But there's a difference this time around.  Usually this would send me spiraling, seeing as she's my only actual friend in the world that I actually ever get to see.  But this time, I'm not going to let it eat me alive.  It's definitely getting me down, but it's not gonna take me out!  I'm giving it to God.  He knows how to fix this, and as long as I do my best to do what I know to be right, I know I'll get through this. It's just going to take some time and support.

Wow. Mind over matter.

  It really works people! Yeah, so after talking with some people (most notably my Sunday School teacher) this past Sunday, I decided, as my earlier post states, that I was going to change some things.  Well, today I just decided that I was going to have a good time and be ME, no matter what anyone else thought.  And, to my great surprise, it actually was nice.  People liked it.  That was unexpected.... And once I convinced myself that I was happy, I actually became happy.  Man, I should listen to some of you guys more often........  Anyway, it's been an awesome day, and I'm looking forward to another tomorrow!  And thanks Miranda! :D

♪♫Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forhead.....♪♫

  Well, this has been a good weekend, all things considered.  Yesterday I went to my grandparents and saw all my cousins.  Then we went to Silver Dollar City and saw Jeff and Sheri Easter in concert at Echo Hollow.
  But today was really good.  I'm beginning to realize that there are people out there who are willing to help me. I don't quite know how to accept their help as of yet, but I'm learning.  I am so glad that God has blessed me with such an amazing church family.  I really wouldn't be here without a few in particular, and that's not an exaggeration.
  So yeah, as of today, I'm starting new, starting fresh.  I am under no illusions; I know it won't be easy.  But, as a very good song states: Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead.  Yesterday is a promise that you've broken......This is your life; are you who you want to be?
  So I'm gonna be who I was meant to be.  I don't have all the answers.  I won't always do the right thing.  But I will try.  I will make a conscious effort to become who I'm here to be.  And I will do my best to use the experience that God has given me to help others.  And I will learn to put my value in what God sees, not what other people see.
  So all you guys reading this, be my witnesses.  I am no longer the girl you used to know.  She is dead and gone, and she ain't comin' back!

This entire week was a waste of deodorant.....

   Just let it be Sunday already.  I'm soooo ready for church.  Better yet, let's go back to last Sunday and just re-do this week......  Well, basically, this week just sucked big.  I'm just tired of stuffing all my issues down deeper and deeper inside.  I don't know how to ask for help, so I don't.  Well, maybe I'll figure it all out eventually.  Until then, I'll keep helping other people fix their problems.
   Tomorrow I'm off to my grandparents' to see my cousins and for Labor Day grill out or whatever we're doing.  Maybe I can forget all of this for a while...

I just feel like crap.  This day should have been awesome.  It had all the necessary ingredients for a perfect day.  But it just didn't happen..... I really don't see a light at the end of the tunnel at this point.  Does anyone have a flashlight?