♪♫You've done all the things that could kill you somehow
And you're so far down.
But you will survive it somehow
Because life starts now.♪♫
Wow, I really haven't been keeping up with this! Sorry guys. At first, I was just uninspired, then I was really busy, and then i just completely forgot about it until my cousin reminded me of it a couple nights ago.
Anyway, there's really very little in the way of "events" going on with me. However, I am making some changes, or at least attempting to do so. I'll try to explain some of that here. So, for what it's worth, here it is.
It sucks being me. It sucks waking up every morning and knowing that if I just slept the rest of the day, it wouldn't make any difference. It sucks to not even bother getting dressed most days because I never go anywhere. It sucks to get dressed and see that clothes that fit a few months ago are now far too tight. It sucks to cake on layers of make-up to hide as much of myself as I possibly can. It sucks to know exactly how I'm going to do my hair because I only feel safe in a ponytail. It sucks to stay inside all day so people won't see me wandering aimlessly alone outside It sucks to go to church or school or a party and stand alone in the corner because no one knows me. It sucks to be terrified of even sitting at the same table or on the same couch as anyone else. It sucks to sit on the sidelines during anything physical because I don't want to see anyone to see me gasping for air or missing a ball that came straight to me. It sucks to never accomplish anything. It sucks to be the shy one. It sucks to pretend. It sucks to suck.
I've talked with a few people in my life that say they woke up one day and everything just "clicked." I, as most people do, always took the position that most people will never have a single, universal moment of clarity. I still believe that it's rare. But last Thursday, that's what happened to me. I literally just woke up and realized that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I realized that as much as anyone else may or may not want to help me, I am the only one who can really change anything. I realized that not knowing everything or having baggage is no excuse to roll over and play dead. I realized how much I wished I had taken control all those other times when I said I would. And I realized that if I didn't start now, then in a week or a month or a year, I'll be right back where I am, wishing I had.
I've obviously known all these things for -- well, basically forever. People have been telling me this for months. But I never "got it" until now.
But now I get it. I can honestly say with a new and sincere clarity that I get it now.
So what does all of this mean? It means that I'm still afraid. But now, my fears have changed. Now, I'm more afraid of being alone than alienating someone. I'm more afraid of being too quiet than of being too loud. I'm more afraid of leaving the important things unsaid than of saying too much. I'm more afraid of never trying than I am of failing. I'm more afraid of living a lie than of being rejected. I'm more afraid of being hidden than of being ugly. I'm more afraid of missing the fun than playing it safe. I'm more afraid of never getting anywhere than of running too fast. I'm more afraid of being unknown than of being a joke. And for possibly the first time in my life, I am more afraid of dying than I am of living.
That's not to say I am now devoid of my common sense. Believe me, as much as all my "good sense" may truly need to diminish, I'll probably never quite get there. But the fun's in the journey, right?
Don't be too quick to hail this as a marvelously positive thing. In all likelihood, this will make me more difficult to deal with than ever. It will ensure that I overstep my bounds on occasion. It means my shirt may be tight, my volume too high, or my nails too bright. It means i will make mistakes, that I'll demand respect, and that I'll ask for help. It means good times and bad, happy and sad.
But this clarity and -- far more importantly -- this decision means healing. It means freedom. It means peace. And I'm ready for that.
