So, I'm just really conflicted and confused right now. Life is kinda just pulling me in a thousand directions. On one hand, I just want so desperately to fit in. I think I'd do just about anything, but when I actually need to step out of my shell, I just can't. I can't even seem to accept help from people. It's not that I don't want it. I desperately need and want it. I just have no idea how to accept it. It's like.....a......foreign language. I just need someone to teach it to me.
Anyway, in a way, things seem to be looking up. But I really don't know. I'm just so confused. A lot of people seem to be caring in little ways, but I'm just....i don't know, I can't seem to make it possible to make it possible for them to comfortably do anything more, even though I know some of them want to and are trying.
So tonight I was at JAM and Judgment House rehearsal at church. It was really bittersweet somehow. On the one hand, it was amazing. It just was. But on the other hand....I don't know. I was watching everyone (like always, it seems) and I just want so bad to be a part of the group like everyone else. I don't want to be treated special. I don't to be handled with kid gloves. I just want to fit in. I want the love and caring and support system more than anyone can imagine. But I want something else too. I want to be jokingly pushed and shoved. I want someone to take a glancing swing at me for a smart remark. I want someone to tackle me just for the lark of it. I wanna chase and tackle someone because they threw something at me. I wanna sit next to someone on the couch and just laugh and talk and belong. That's it. I just want to belong.
Anyway, that's it.
Oh, and if anyone reads this, would they comment or something? I'm just wondering if anyone ever actually reads this. If no one's interested, then I'll probably just start writing in a diary or something. But if you want me to keep posting, then comment and tell me! Thanks.
