So, I was looking back at some past posts and I noticed that one of my most "popular" (i.e. most views) posts was a post entitled A Place to Call Home (<<<If ya' don't know what I'm talking about, check it). I thought I'd do a follow-up of sorts, as I'm still dealing with some of the same issues and everything's kind of coming to a head, so to speak.
Basically, not much has changed. That's pretty depressing to admit, but it's the truth. Everything that I said about what I wanted is still true, and I'm really not any closer to "getting there" than I was when I posted that. I still wish I had all those things; I still wish I belonged somewhere; I still wish I had a place to call "home."
The difference is, however, that I now am beginning to understand that I have to find that home; I have to make it for myself. I can't sit around and wait for some miracle to rescue me or some especially benevolent person to reach out save me. Oh no, I have to actually change.
But that's tough. For me, one of my biggest issues is my inability to lose control, to "cut loose," "let me hair down," or just have fun. It's something that I not only never learned to do, but was actually raised in an environment where doing so would have quite literally endangered my life and the lives of my siblings. If I was not completely aware and alert and in control, things could go dreadfully and drastically wrong in the blink of an eye.
But I'm not in that situation anymore; at least, not to that extent at all. Now I have to learn how to not be so aware, so alert. I have to learn to miss things. I have to learn not care about how I look or how ridiculous I act. This sounds a bit risky, I know. But the reality is that what is in all probability completely normal and acceptable gaiety for most people is actually complete and reckless abandon for me - something or which I am incapable at this juncture. So I have to begin forcing myself to do things that I would consider "immature," "reckless," "stupid," and "pointless." I have to become "less" than I feel proper in order to become more. It's a conundrum, and I have a lot of problems with it. But that's the reality of it.
So that's the place at which I find myself. It's not going to be easy; I know this. But I'll do it. I would like to ask, however, that you all try to understand my awkward behavior and confusion; I'm trying, I just don't know what to do. Also, I'd like to honestly and genuinely ask you all to call me out when I do things that "don't work." I know that's uncomfortable, but, believe me, it's extremely difficult to offend me and I truly do want the input.
That's all I've got to say about that.
Basically, not much has changed. That's pretty depressing to admit, but it's the truth. Everything that I said about what I wanted is still true, and I'm really not any closer to "getting there" than I was when I posted that. I still wish I had all those things; I still wish I belonged somewhere; I still wish I had a place to call "home."
The difference is, however, that I now am beginning to understand that I have to find that home; I have to make it for myself. I can't sit around and wait for some miracle to rescue me or some especially benevolent person to reach out save me. Oh no, I have to actually change.
But that's tough. For me, one of my biggest issues is my inability to lose control, to "cut loose," "let me hair down," or just have fun. It's something that I not only never learned to do, but was actually raised in an environment where doing so would have quite literally endangered my life and the lives of my siblings. If I was not completely aware and alert and in control, things could go dreadfully and drastically wrong in the blink of an eye.
But I'm not in that situation anymore; at least, not to that extent at all. Now I have to learn how to not be so aware, so alert. I have to learn to miss things. I have to learn not care about how I look or how ridiculous I act. This sounds a bit risky, I know. But the reality is that what is in all probability completely normal and acceptable gaiety for most people is actually complete and reckless abandon for me - something or which I am incapable at this juncture. So I have to begin forcing myself to do things that I would consider "immature," "reckless," "stupid," and "pointless." I have to become "less" than I feel proper in order to become more. It's a conundrum, and I have a lot of problems with it. But that's the reality of it.
So that's the place at which I find myself. It's not going to be easy; I know this. But I'll do it. I would like to ask, however, that you all try to understand my awkward behavior and confusion; I'm trying, I just don't know what to do. Also, I'd like to honestly and genuinely ask you all to call me out when I do things that "don't work." I know that's uncomfortable, but, believe me, it's extremely difficult to offend me and I truly do want the input.
That's all I've got to say about that.
