Yeah. So, that's pretty much what's going on. I'm on a TOTAL high right now. Thursday we started Judgment House, and it's going awesomely. And, in a way, I think it's actually helping me feel more comfortable with the youth group. I just hope I get more comfortable and that after all this is over in about a week, that I'll be able to find a permanent place here. I so hope I can.
Anyway, Judgment House is, of course under insane attack by the Devil, with health, relationships, external influences, blah blah blah. Just pray for it. And all those involved. :)
This is the first time in.......wow....maybe......ever.........that I feel......alive.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
A Place to Call Home
So, I'm just really conflicted and confused right now. Life is kinda just pulling me in a thousand directions. On one hand, I just want so desperately to fit in. I think I'd do just about anything, but when I actually need to step out of my shell, I just can't. I can't even seem to accept help from people. It's not that I don't want it. I desperately need and want it. I just have no idea how to accept it. It's like.....a......foreign language. I just need someone to teach it to me.
Anyway, in a way, things seem to be looking up. But I really don't know. I'm just so confused. A lot of people seem to be caring in little ways, but I'm just....i don't know, I can't seem to make it possible to make it possible for them to comfortably do anything more, even though I know some of them want to and are trying.
So tonight I was at JAM and Judgment House rehearsal at church. It was really bittersweet somehow. On the one hand, it was amazing. It just was. But on the other hand....I don't know. I was watching everyone (like always, it seems) and I just want so bad to be a part of the group like everyone else. I don't want to be treated special. I don't to be handled with kid gloves. I just want to fit in. I want the love and caring and support system more than anyone can imagine. But I want something else too. I want to be jokingly pushed and shoved. I want someone to take a glancing swing at me for a smart remark. I want someone to tackle me just for the lark of it. I wanna chase and tackle someone because they threw something at me. I wanna sit next to someone on the couch and just laugh and talk and belong. That's it. I just want to belong.
Anyway, that's it.
Oh, and if anyone reads this, would they comment or something? I'm just wondering if anyone ever actually reads this. If no one's interested, then I'll probably just start writing in a diary or something. But if you want me to keep posting, then comment and tell me! Thanks.
Anyway, in a way, things seem to be looking up. But I really don't know. I'm just so confused. A lot of people seem to be caring in little ways, but I'm just....i don't know, I can't seem to make it possible to make it possible for them to comfortably do anything more, even though I know some of them want to and are trying.
So tonight I was at JAM and Judgment House rehearsal at church. It was really bittersweet somehow. On the one hand, it was amazing. It just was. But on the other hand....I don't know. I was watching everyone (like always, it seems) and I just want so bad to be a part of the group like everyone else. I don't want to be treated special. I don't to be handled with kid gloves. I just want to fit in. I want the love and caring and support system more than anyone can imagine. But I want something else too. I want to be jokingly pushed and shoved. I want someone to take a glancing swing at me for a smart remark. I want someone to tackle me just for the lark of it. I wanna chase and tackle someone because they threw something at me. I wanna sit next to someone on the couch and just laugh and talk and belong. That's it. I just want to belong.
Anyway, that's it.
Oh, and if anyone reads this, would they comment or something? I'm just wondering if anyone ever actually reads this. If no one's interested, then I'll probably just start writing in a diary or something. But if you want me to keep posting, then comment and tell me! Thanks.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Hmmm......Life...... :P
Wow, it's been a while since I last posted. :O
Well, A lot's happened, kinda. My bro broke his arm on Wednesday, and then moved back in with us on Friday.
It's just been a good week. I don't really know why, it just has :) We went to the haunted house at the OC. Total joke, but fun anyway lol.
I Guess what's really on my mind right now is my Sunday School teacher. she recently lost her grandfather, and, as often occurs, it's apparently caused a lot of family hoopla. that's always horrible. And I think that's been hard for her. And it just seems as though there's a lot going on with her right now. I wish I could help her somehow. I would give so much to fix it. I just wish there was something I could do. All I can do is pray. And I don't like the sound of desperation or something when I say that, it's just that I wish I could just "fix" it all. i hate that look in people's eyes. It breaks my heart, even when I see it in a complete stranger, let alone someone I actually care about.
I don't know. I know that somehow, she'll get through it. Everyone I'm worried about right now will. i just don't know how.
I wish other people's problems didn't eat away at me like this.
Anyway, I am doing wonderfully, but some people I care about aren't.
That's it.
Well, A lot's happened, kinda. My bro broke his arm on Wednesday, and then moved back in with us on Friday.
It's just been a good week. I don't really know why, it just has :) We went to the haunted house at the OC. Total joke, but fun anyway lol.
I Guess what's really on my mind right now is my Sunday School teacher. she recently lost her grandfather, and, as often occurs, it's apparently caused a lot of family hoopla. that's always horrible. And I think that's been hard for her. And it just seems as though there's a lot going on with her right now. I wish I could help her somehow. I would give so much to fix it. I just wish there was something I could do. All I can do is pray. And I don't like the sound of desperation or something when I say that, it's just that I wish I could just "fix" it all. i hate that look in people's eyes. It breaks my heart, even when I see it in a complete stranger, let alone someone I actually care about.
I don't know. I know that somehow, she'll get through it. Everyone I'm worried about right now will. i just don't know how.
I wish other people's problems didn't eat away at me like this.
Anyway, I am doing wonderfully, but some people I care about aren't.
That's it.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Is There Anyone That Fails? Is There Anyone That Falls? Am I the Only One in Church Today Feelin' So Small?♪♫
I don't even know how to describe the last few days. In a way, they were awesome, but then they were so bad......
On Saturday I got my hair done, which was good. Then, that night, I saw "To Save A Life" with my youth group at church. It was just as good the second time around. But, again, it got me thinking again, which I've been really trying to avoid. Most people identify with the "good" or "semi-good" characters. I don't. I identify with the boy at the beginning who killed himself. I identify with the outcast that was framed for the school bomb threat. Sorry to you guys who haven't seen it and haven't the foggiest as to what I'm talking about, but it's true. I just wish soooo badly that someone would see me.
Then we all talked about it, and Brad gave a small lesson of sorts. It was good, but again, everyone said how much it affected them, and that they would try to see the "outcasts" and the "underdogs" and all that. But then, the next day, nothing had changed. I don't just mean for me. There are other people on the outside of "The Group" there. Nothing changed. Everyone kept talking about the movie, but no one did anything different.
That and some other stuff got me out of sorts, but I was able to pull it together for the next morning.
Sunday started out good. I went to church, and we had a good lesson, despite the fact that my teacher-Miranda- was out of town. The reason she was out of town totally made me think of her all the previous night and the rest of yesterday and today, because someone in her family passed away. But even with that, I still was trying desperately to be happy.
After church, we stayed there to film a scene for Judgement House (a production that we're putting on). At first I felt kinda dumb, pretending to cheer for a game and all that, but eventually I got into the mood, at least a little bit, mostly thanks to some very entertaining people (Thanks Tanner Furtkamp and Mitch Lewis :P ). So I was in a good mood for that.
But then we had Judgement House practice, and as we all sat down and people started practicing their lines with each other, I realized again that I was the only loner. No one was practicing their lines with me. I wasn't practicing my lines with anyone. I was in a room full of loud, happy people. But once again, I was a silent, desolate onlooker.
It just got worse from there. When I got home, I tried to play it up again like I was just so happy and everything was fine, but, to make a long story short, It wasn't and I ended up in a yelling match. I ended up walking all the way to church, and then my father picked me up once he found out.
Today just sucked.
I don't know what to do. If one person, just one person would just help me, I could survive this. But no one will. Sometimes someone will smile, or wave, but it's just not enough. Someone is going to have help me out of this. And I don't mean stroll out with me. I mean that someone is going to have to grab me and lift me up and out of this by brute force. And they're going to have to do it with me fighting them all the way. I don't want to make it that hard, but I don't know how to accept help.
All I can do at this point is hope that I can survive this. If I hadn't been afraid that a certain few people would feel guilty, I might not have survived last night. But I still care about others, even if I don't care about myself. But that's fast fading. I don't know what to do. Someone please help me.
On Saturday I got my hair done, which was good. Then, that night, I saw "To Save A Life" with my youth group at church. It was just as good the second time around. But, again, it got me thinking again, which I've been really trying to avoid. Most people identify with the "good" or "semi-good" characters. I don't. I identify with the boy at the beginning who killed himself. I identify with the outcast that was framed for the school bomb threat. Sorry to you guys who haven't seen it and haven't the foggiest as to what I'm talking about, but it's true. I just wish soooo badly that someone would see me.
Then we all talked about it, and Brad gave a small lesson of sorts. It was good, but again, everyone said how much it affected them, and that they would try to see the "outcasts" and the "underdogs" and all that. But then, the next day, nothing had changed. I don't just mean for me. There are other people on the outside of "The Group" there. Nothing changed. Everyone kept talking about the movie, but no one did anything different.
That and some other stuff got me out of sorts, but I was able to pull it together for the next morning.
Sunday started out good. I went to church, and we had a good lesson, despite the fact that my teacher-Miranda- was out of town. The reason she was out of town totally made me think of her all the previous night and the rest of yesterday and today, because someone in her family passed away. But even with that, I still was trying desperately to be happy.
After church, we stayed there to film a scene for Judgement House (a production that we're putting on). At first I felt kinda dumb, pretending to cheer for a game and all that, but eventually I got into the mood, at least a little bit, mostly thanks to some very entertaining people (Thanks Tanner Furtkamp and Mitch Lewis :P ). So I was in a good mood for that.
But then we had Judgement House practice, and as we all sat down and people started practicing their lines with each other, I realized again that I was the only loner. No one was practicing their lines with me. I wasn't practicing my lines with anyone. I was in a room full of loud, happy people. But once again, I was a silent, desolate onlooker.
It just got worse from there. When I got home, I tried to play it up again like I was just so happy and everything was fine, but, to make a long story short, It wasn't and I ended up in a yelling match. I ended up walking all the way to church, and then my father picked me up once he found out.
Today just sucked.
I don't know what to do. If one person, just one person would just help me, I could survive this. But no one will. Sometimes someone will smile, or wave, but it's just not enough. Someone is going to have help me out of this. And I don't mean stroll out with me. I mean that someone is going to have to grab me and lift me up and out of this by brute force. And they're going to have to do it with me fighting them all the way. I don't want to make it that hard, but I don't know how to accept help.
All I can do at this point is hope that I can survive this. If I hadn't been afraid that a certain few people would feel guilty, I might not have survived last night. But I still care about others, even if I don't care about myself. But that's fast fading. I don't know what to do. Someone please help me.
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