I don't even know how to describe the last few days. In a way, they were awesome, but then they were so bad......
On Saturday I got my hair done, which was good. Then, that night, I saw "To Save A Life" with my youth group at church. It was just as good the second time around. But, again, it got me thinking again, which I've been really trying to avoid. Most people identify with the "good" or "semi-good" characters. I don't. I identify with the boy at the beginning who killed himself. I identify with the outcast that was framed for the school bomb threat. Sorry to you guys who haven't seen it and haven't the foggiest as to what I'm talking about, but it's true. I just wish soooo badly that someone would see me.
Then we all talked about it, and Brad gave a small lesson of sorts. It was good, but again, everyone said how much it affected them, and that they would try to see the "outcasts" and the "underdogs" and all that. But then, the next day, nothing had changed. I don't just mean for me. There are other people on the outside of "The Group" there. Nothing changed. Everyone kept talking about the movie, but no one did anything different.
That and some other stuff got me out of sorts, but I was able to pull it together for the next morning.
Sunday started out good. I went to church, and we had a good lesson, despite the fact that my teacher-Miranda- was out of town. The reason she was out of town totally made me think of her all the previous night and the rest of yesterday and today, because someone in her family passed away. But even with that, I still was trying desperately to be happy.
After church, we stayed there to film a scene for Judgement House (a production that we're putting on). At first I felt kinda dumb, pretending to cheer for a game and all that, but eventually I got into the mood, at least a little bit, mostly thanks to some very entertaining people (Thanks Tanner Furtkamp and Mitch Lewis :P ). So I was in a good mood for that.
But then we had Judgement House practice, and as we all sat down and people started practicing their lines with each other, I realized again that I was the only loner. No one was practicing their lines with me. I wasn't practicing my lines with anyone. I was in a room full of loud, happy people. But once again, I was a silent, desolate onlooker.
It just got worse from there. When I got home, I tried to play it up again like I was just so happy and everything was fine, but, to make a long story short, It wasn't and I ended up in a yelling match. I ended up walking all the way to church, and then my father picked me up once he found out.
Today just sucked.
I don't know what to do. If one person, just one person would just help me, I could survive this. But no one will. Sometimes someone will smile, or wave, but it's just not enough. Someone is going to have help me out of this. And I don't mean stroll out with me. I mean that someone is going to have to grab me and lift me up and out of this by brute force. And they're going to have to do it with me fighting them all the way. I don't want to make it that hard, but I don't know how to accept help.
All I can do at this point is hope that I can survive this. If I hadn't been afraid that a certain few people would feel guilty, I might not have survived last night. But I still care about others, even if I don't care about myself. But that's fast fading. I don't know what to do. Someone please help me.
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