And sorry I used to be that I could not travel both. But no longer! I've had a bit of an epiphany: I've been trying to hold onto a life that died a long time ago; and at the same time, I was desperately stretching and grasping for another one, just out of reach. I kept asking God why He wouldn't just move this Holy Grail a little bit closer.
Well, I think I've just figured it out. I wasn't supposed to stretch farther; I was supposed to let go. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm done with the lying, the trying, the fighting, and the dying. It's over, I'm through. I'm not going to keep raising someone else's kids, running someone else's household, and keeping order where it's not appreciated. If I'm gonna keep on giving and sacrificing, it's gonna be where it matters.
I was not put here by God to waste my talents and energy spinning my wheels here in this little dead-end pothole. I'm here to do great things and to go places and to be someone! So I'm done with this. These people can run their own lives and be or not be whoever or whatever they dang well please. I've spent my entire life on them, and they don't care. Now, neither do I. Doesn't mean I don't love them, I'm just done living for them.
If I had any friends whatsoever, this would be time for a PARTY! But, seeing as I have no friends, I guess I better go find some :P So, anyone out there not totally annoyed by me and willing to give a friendship a chance to grow? lol
Monday, November 8, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Life is Great, Gettin' Better....♪♫
So, Judgment House is over :'( But it was awesome!!!!! 40 Salvations!! And just all around great times. Couldn't top it if I tried. And it really helped me get to know some people and feel more.....at home, i guess....in the group. I'm still not really friends with anyone :/ But at least don't feel as awkward......
Saturday night after Judgment House was over, we all went to Spencer's house for Star Wars nite :D His room.....danggggg......He's more of a Star Wars freak than I am! hahaha, he's awesome. Only a few of us actually stayed for the whole movie lol.
Sunday morning, it was.....different......Brad noticed it too. In his words, "Everyone talked together." There weren't all those little groups, isolated, closed systems of gossip and gregarious frivolity. Instead, we were all talking in 1 or 2 large groups. And these groups interacted with each other. And I actually felt comfortable enough to be a part of the group. It was weird, but it felt really good.
Then, last night, I went to Megan G.'s bonfire. It was fun. Most of the people I really feel most comfortable around were there. We laughed, talked, joked around. I didn't know everyone, but I knew most of them. It was nice, just sitting around a fire, going on a hayride, joking around with people, scaring a few. It just felt.........natural.
I just hope all this can last. I hope it's not just forgotten in a couple of weeks. I think too much. I wish I could just enjoy the good things while they last, but I can't stop my mind from running a hundred miles an hour, rationalizing and predicting. And I know I'm usually right. Which is depressing, because all that it tells me is the human nature is to have highs, and then forget and fade back into mediocrity.
But while it's here, I'm going to make the most of it. I just am. It's all I got and, whether it lasts or not, I need to make some memories.
Thanks to everyone that's made the past two weeks possibly the best in my life. And I mean that.
Saturday night after Judgment House was over, we all went to Spencer's house for Star Wars nite :D His room.....danggggg......He's more of a Star Wars freak than I am! hahaha, he's awesome. Only a few of us actually stayed for the whole movie lol.
Sunday morning, it was.....different......Brad noticed it too. In his words, "Everyone talked together." There weren't all those little groups, isolated, closed systems of gossip and gregarious frivolity. Instead, we were all talking in 1 or 2 large groups. And these groups interacted with each other. And I actually felt comfortable enough to be a part of the group. It was weird, but it felt really good.
Then, last night, I went to Megan G.'s bonfire. It was fun. Most of the people I really feel most comfortable around were there. We laughed, talked, joked around. I didn't know everyone, but I knew most of them. It was nice, just sitting around a fire, going on a hayride, joking around with people, scaring a few. It just felt.........natural.
I just hope all this can last. I hope it's not just forgotten in a couple of weeks. I think too much. I wish I could just enjoy the good things while they last, but I can't stop my mind from running a hundred miles an hour, rationalizing and predicting. And I know I'm usually right. Which is depressing, because all that it tells me is the human nature is to have highs, and then forget and fade back into mediocrity.
But while it's here, I'm going to make the most of it. I just am. It's all I got and, whether it lasts or not, I need to make some memories.
Thanks to everyone that's made the past two weeks possibly the best in my life. And I mean that.
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