Epiphanies -- They're weird.

     So I was in the bath about a week and a half ago-
     Oh. So you're one of those people...
     Those people?
     Yeah. Those people that sit in the tub and think instead of just taking a quick shower and getting on with their lives.
     Oh. Yeah. I'm those people.
     Anyway. I was in the bath about a week and a half ago, and I was just thinking about random things ( I don't even remember what) when all of a sudden, a thought just struck me - I cared.
     Huh? Alright, we're going to a little more back story for that to make any sense. Seriously.
     Alright, let me back up.
     So, if you know me at all, you'll know that I've had a lot of issues with my biological mother and that, over the past year and half or so, I've really been trying to get past all the abuse and resulting baggage I suffered at her hands. There's been several major stages through which I've gone on this journey; some of you have been here for the whole ride and know that it's been pretty crazy. For those of who haven't been here the whole time, I'll explain what those steps were, albeit in a much-abbreviated form.
     The first step started immediately after my dad finally filed for divorce. It was kind of a "realization" stage. It wasn't a "denial" stage that I think a lot of kids go through after a divorce; in fact, I think it was kind of the opposite. It was a stage where I just realized that the constant physical battle of life and death wasn't an issue anymore. I didn't have to turn every corner wandering if there was a fist on the other side of it. I could change the volume on the radio without being thrown against a wall. I could play a game in my living room without someone trying to smother me with a pillow.  I was physically safe. That wasn't a very traumatic transition, just a weird one. But it was definitely a very distinct phase I experienced. This probably lasted a couple of weeks - not very long.
     The next phase went on for a really long time. Like, almost a year. Here's the thing: I was mad. I was hurt and angry and raging and confused and I wanted to make someone pay, mostly Robyn. I wanted answers. And, more than all of that, I wanted an apology. I wanted someone to tell me that it was all their fault, that they made all of this happen, that they screwed up my life, and that they were oh, so sorry. Now, some part of me realized just how unrealistic this was, no matter how justified it might have been. So, after a while, I started trying to cover it up. I acted like I wasn't mad; I was over it. What's done is done, right? Just move on; you can't change the past. Eventually, I almost convinced myself that I was fine. But I wasn't. I was still just as angry and victimized as ever. I couldn't - or wouldn't -- forgive. And that kept me there, trapped. Until I could forgive, I could never move past anything.
     Finally, sometime this summer, something just sort of "clicked." I don't know exactly when or where or why, but at some point, all those things that everyone kept telling me about moving on and just living my life free of all of that pain and hate and grudge-holding. I'm not sure it was really a moment in time; I just realized one day that all that hard work from all of those people who wouldn't let go no matter how miserable helping me was had really paid off. I wasn't mad anymore. I forgave Robyn and my dad and all those other people who didn't see or didn't help. And I didn't need an apology to do it. I forgave them, regardless of whether they asked for it or wanted it. Their acceptance or rejection of my forgiveness was irrelevant; I was free.
     Then I reached what I genuinely thought was the last stage -- that of near apathy. Not a general, depressed apathy -- more like just no caring what happened to Robyn and not wanting a relationship with her. It wasn't that I wanted to avoid a relationship with her; I just didn't actively want one. To be completely honest, I don't there would have been anything wrong with staying here. Just happily not caring about that part of my past and moving on. This stage is what really allowed me to start focusing on myself and my problems. It's what allowed me to make all the progress that I've made with myself and all my baggage  This was a really pivotal stage. It lasted from this summer until just a week or two ago.
     I guess that brings us up the present. Laying in the bath that day, I wasn't even thinking about any of this. I wasn't thinking about anything important. But it just hit me: I cared. I cared about Robyn. Not in a familial way, or even as though she were a friend. In fact, I actually dislike her now. A lot. She's exactly the sort of person I most loath. I can't stand her. She's an angry, bitter, bigoted woman who prizes herself and her opinion above all else. She considers herself to be worth far more than anyone else. She thinks that the world owes her. She's a compulsive liar. She's dirty. She insults people constantly for no reason. She mooches off of everyone, even though she's usually the one with far more income and far less responsibility. She fits every criterion for people with whom I refuse to associate. Those aren't angry things I say to hurt someone; those are just the straight-up facts. But the thing is that, now, even though I recognize all those things, I actually care about her.
     I don't care about her enough to want to be around her very much. I don't want a relationship with her. I'm not even changing my plan to discontinue my "relationship" with her when I turn seventeen. But I do care about her. I care about her just like I care about anyone else. I don't have a close relationship with everyone else, and I don't really care to have a relationship with a lot of people. But I do care about them. I want them to be happy. I try to make interactions with them positive and constructive. And that's how I feel about Robyn now. It hasn't really changed any of my plans. It just shows me how very, very far I've come. And that's pretty cool, in my book.
     So epiphanies. They're weird.

♪♫Stop! Collaborate and Listen:

Ice is back with a brand new invention.♪♫
    
     Well, if you weren't already familiar with it, you've just been acquainted with my penchant for the cheesy and out-dated. This is your final warning: Turn back now.
     Hey guys! So, I'm back. Obviously. But before I can really start any "current" posts, I really need to bring you all up to date, at least a little bit. More will come on all of this later, but I figure I'll do a post over the quick overview.
     The first thing to know is that this blog is going to be a little different now. It's not going to be super themed or change a whole in overall style. I still like this style because it's informal and just a place for my thoughts to flow. But, if you've followed me for a while, you'll start to notice some differences this time around. The biggest and most important part of this difference will be the fact that I've moved past a lot of things in the past several months. Like, a lot.
     For one thing, I'm over the whole Robyn debacle. When I last posted, I was still working through a lot of issues concerning my biological mother, though I had mad a great deal of progress.  Now, I still have baggage, but I can honestly say that I have really, truly, completely, finally moved past any remaining angst or hurt that is in any way directed towards Robyn (more on this in a forthcoming post). Another is that I'm a lot more confident. Don't get me wrong; I still struggle with a lack of confidence and abundance of self-loathing. But it's a lot less now. And, more importantly, I've found some people that are really helping me through it, and I'm learning to cooperate. I don't quite get it yet, but I think I'm getting closer. 
     I guess that sort of brings me to my third point: I've found some really amazing people and things that are really pulling me out of my sixteen-year-funk.  
     What a minute! What about all those people you've talked about before? What are they, chopped liver?
     No, no, no, those people still mean just as much! And most of them are still really a part of this whole process. But I've found some more people too; people that are closer to my age, or just a bit different. Basically, I've found a couple groups of people that really let me be sooo much more "myself" than I ever really thought possible. One group is my Speech/Debate kids. Now, there's a huge rivalry between the two and blah blah blah, but I've never been cool enough to be down with rivalries like that, so I like people from both. Seriously, we have some pretty awesome people.
      The other group is my Sunday School class. They're not really "new" to my life; I mean, they were all around before, but somehow....I don't know. It's different now. I don't know if it's just one of those things that happen, or if it's really just me getting past things. I tend to think it's mostly that I'm really, finally getting over all of this. I'm still completely screwed up, but I'm a heck of a lot closer now. And I'm starting, slowly, to learn that there really are people that accept me. And that's the biggest thing for me -- I'm starting to understand that there are people out there who really do know me and who really aren't scared off by my baggage and damage and problems. I've always known that was true for other people because I've always been that person. But now I'm finally, finally, starting to really understand that that exists for me. Believe me, that's new. And it's pretty awesome.
     If you haven't already figured out, this blog, for the most part, is a pretty personal thing. I just ramble on here and then post it because I like to pretend people want to hear about all my triumphs and woes. It's not a deeply intellectual endeavor or meant to be terribly fascinating; it's just the life of a teenage girl who's been through a lot and has a lot of opinions. That's about it.
     Hey, before you leave, mind answering a question?
     Why, sure! Always! What might you be wondering?
     What's with the random green writing? It's like you're suddenly schizo or something.
     As a matter of fact, I am.
     No but seriously, I talk to myself in real life all the time, and this is just kind of the extension of that. When I get bored in a post or need to say something and can't think of a good way to transition, I just pretend that my imaginary readers actually care about what I'm saying and are commenting on it.
     So, if I haven't scared you away, that's what this blog is going to be like from now on -- a little older, a little wiser, a little brighter, but still just me, rambling on about what makes me tick.

*Insert Witty Title Here*

Whoaaaaa
Hey guys! It's been....like....forever.....
Well, a new school year has started and it looks like it's going to be a pretty awesome one. I got a lot of classes I wanted and I really like all of my teachers thus far. I have several classes with friends and I got lunches I wanted. So, that's pretty cool.
     I've also been feeling a lot better lately, both physically and mentally. There's a lot of people that have been asking me questions and needing my help and, in helping them, I've really reminded myself of a lot of things that I should try to remember more often. Hopefully, I'm able to help my friends as much as trying to help them has helped me :P
     I'm not gonna lie, I miss the seniors. A lot. Especially a few of them.
     Right now, I'm dogsitting for my aunts while their in St. Louis and they think I'm doing them a favor XP
     I really have been writing, but a lot of it is just random stuff and what isn't is related to a date/event/anniversary/etc. so they're not things that I can post quite yet? But I am still writing! Plus, when school is in session, I get more ideas on things to write because I do a lot more people watching. So, hopefully, I'll be posting some more soon.
     Also, I'd really love to hear what you all want to hear about! I love writing about current events, political/socio-economic/ethical/etc issues, so drop me a line and I'll try to come up with something :) Lately, I've been writing a good bit about 9/11...Not sure why? I've also been discussing a lot about homosexuality and/or the Jewish v. Christian ideologies, which I find quite fascinating....(in no small part because the friend with whom I am discussing it is a fantastic debater/writer/thinker).
     Anyway, that's what's been up with me :)

♪♫Life Starts Now...♪♫

     ♪♫You've done all the things that could kill you somehow
           And you're so far down.
           But you will survive it somehow
           Because life starts now.♪♫
     Wow, I really haven't been keeping up with this!  Sorry guys.  At first, I was just uninspired, then I was really busy, and then i just completely forgot about it until my cousin reminded me of  it a couple nights ago. 
     Anyway, there's really very little in the way of "events" going on with me.  However, I am making some changes, or at least attempting to do so.  I'll try to explain some of that here.  So, for what it's worth, here it is.
     It sucks being me.  It sucks waking up every morning and knowing that if I just slept the rest of the day, it wouldn't make any difference.  It sucks to not even bother getting dressed most days because I never go anywhere.  It sucks to get dressed and see that clothes that fit a few months ago are now far too tight.  It sucks to cake on layers of make-up to hide as much of myself as I possibly can.  It sucks to know exactly how I'm going to do my hair because I only feel safe in a ponytail.  It sucks to stay inside all day so people won't see me wandering aimlessly alone outside  It sucks to go to church or school or a party and stand alone in the corner because no one knows me.  It sucks to be terrified of even sitting at the same table or on the same couch as anyone else.  It sucks to sit on the sidelines during anything physical because I don't want to see anyone to see me gasping for air or missing a ball that came straight to me.  It sucks to never accomplish anything.  It sucks to be the shy one.  It sucks to pretend.  It sucks to suck.
     I've talked with a few people in my life that say they woke up one day and everything just "clicked."  I, as most people do, always took the position that most people will never have a single, universal moment of clarity.  I still believe that it's rare.  But last Thursday, that's what happened to me.  I literally just woke up and realized that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I realized that as much as anyone else may or may not want to help me, I am the only one who can really change anything.  I realized that not knowing everything or having baggage is no excuse to roll over and play dead. I realized how much I wished I had taken control all those other times when I said I would. And I realized that if I didn't start now, then in a week or a month or a year, I'll be right back where I am, wishing I had.
     I've obviously known all these things for -- well, basically forever.  People have been telling me this for months.  But I never "got it" until now.
     But now I get it.  I can honestly say with a new and sincere clarity that I get it now. 
     So what does all of this mean? It means that I'm still afraid.  But now, my fears have changed.  Now, I'm more afraid of being alone than alienating someone.  I'm more afraid of being too quiet than of being too loud.  I'm more afraid of leaving the important things unsaid than of saying too much.  I'm more afraid of never trying than I am of failing. I'm more afraid of living a lie than of being rejected.  I'm more afraid of being hidden than of being ugly.  I'm more afraid of missing the fun than playing it safe.  I'm more afraid of never getting anywhere than of running too fast.  I'm more afraid of being unknown than of being a joke. And for possibly the first time in my life, I am more afraid of dying than I am of living.
     That's not to say I am now devoid of my common sense. Believe me, as much as all my "good sense" may truly need to diminish, I'll probably never quite get there. But the fun's in the journey, right?
     Don't be too quick to hail this as a marvelously positive thing.  In all likelihood, this will make me more difficult to deal with than ever. It will ensure that I overstep my bounds on occasion.  It means my shirt may be tight, my volume too high, or my nails too bright.  It means i will make mistakes, that I'll demand respect, and that I'll ask for help.  It means good times and bad, happy and sad.
         But this clarity and -- far more importantly -- this decision means healing.  It means freedom.  It means peace.  And I'm ready for that.

♪♫Big Girls Don't Cry♪♫

     Caution: Monstrously long post dead ahead. Turn back now.
     Last night I finally got the chance to watch this week's The Voice.  One of the the contestants, Lily Elise, sang Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry."  While never a big Fergie fan, I've always been a bit partial, probably because it's something of a mantra for me.  Then, after the performance, one of the judges complimented her performance, saying, "Sometimes vulnerability is the hardest thing to show;" that rang true for me.
     Over the past couple of days, I've really been confronted with the concept of vulnerability.  First, on Tuesday, I went to one of my friend's house.  Nina is a foreign exchange student from Liberia who returns home on Sunday.  While still somewhat guarded around her, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I was a bit freer with her by comparison and the subconsciously-acknowledged fact that she would soon be leaving seemed to somehow decrease the "risk" involved in being "real" with her. Then, that evening, I came home, boxed up all my "fun," and dealt with my real life.
     Wednesday, I spent most of the day with Jill, one of my youth leaders.  I pretty much just tagged along on a day in the life of  a stay-at-home mother of toddlers.  As much as I may hate to admit it, kids are great, especially when you need writing material or want to learn about life.  They're open and honest, and possess a unique, simplifying insight into some of life's most complex and important issues. "Out of the mouths of babes," eh?
     Well, that afternoon, Jill and I had a chat and much of it centered around vulnerability and my inability to truly be vulnerable.  The fact is I honestly don't know how to do that.  I wish I did, but I don't.  And I desperately wish someone would teach me.  But I know that it would likesly be nearly as difficult to te teach me as it would be for me to learn.
     On a marginally more positive note, Jill's a pretty cool gal.  She's certainly not an overly-emotional individual, but she cares, and care in a real and concrete way.  And she's pretty good in the Common-Sense-That-You-Really-Don't-Wat-to-Deal-With department.  She's really someone with whom I can be open and honest without having to worry about betrayal and hurt feelings, and that's pretty special.  I also know that even if she gives advice that I don't necessarily like, she's saying it because she's trying to help.  And yes, when I'm honest, she's usually right (Jill, if you're reading this, enjoy it, 'cause it's highly improbable that I'll ever say that to your face :P).
     That evening, I packed away all my feelings and thoughts and questions and headed off to church.  I sat down at a table to peer into the gym and imagine having the courage to make an attempt at socializing.  A little later, another older girl - a bit of a "misfit" herself - comae in and sat down at my table.  We talked a while, and eventually Nina and her friend - another foreign exchange student - arrived and joined us.  As we talked, I (as my nature dictates) began to think a bit philosophically about the situation; Nina and Pollynna - foreign exchange students, Ashley - an infrequent attendee who was socially awkward, Mariah - a junior high girl whose friends were out of town, and myself - an emotionally-damaged, socially-stunted hermit.  Why were we all sitting together? Why could I talk in this setting but no other? Here, it was "safer"to be "real."  Not really real; I don't have a clue as to how to do that.  But with these people, I cold at least speck about something other than a simple fact that might answer a direct question.  None of us were "in," so to speak, so there was less pressure to "measure up." I certainly wasn't "real," but I was definitely less reserved.
     When it was finally time to start the service, we all headed toward the fellowship hall to give Nina a proper send-of. Eventually, most of the people in the room were in tears or quite near it.  Of course, I wasn't one of them; I was dry-eyed and quietly jovial in my little "Island of Misfit Toys."  That doesn't mean I wasn't going to miss my best, if not only, real friend at church; oh no, I was quite upset at the prospect of losing her.  But there was no way I was going to let that show even if I were alone and knew that no one would ever know of such a tiny breach in my defenses. Big girls don't cry. So, I bid adieu to Nina Harris of Liberia and left for home.
     At home, that night, I indulged in a bit of a Star Trek marathon with my brother and father.  Afterward, with my over-compensation for an oncoming slump over the loss of a friend and a bit of lightheartedness due to my indulgence in an open conversation that afternoon, I succumbed to a fit of sheer idiocy with my brother as we mocked some of my sister's less-refined choices in music.  I wasn't "open" or "myself" or anything soppy of that sort, per se, but I was less restrained.
     Yesterday, I slept in and watched some TV with my siblings, but I never let my guard down.  I stayed in control and didn't allow the frivolity that would surely have ensued, had I not been there to prevent it.  Eventually, I grew weary of it all and retreated to my room, where I lost myself in a numbing string of movies and television shows for the balance of the day.  When my father came home, he immediately became enraged over the state of the main living quarters of the house and instantly cast all the blame upon me, as I was the oldest and obviously should be the parent. Rather than explain how I felt about the situation and thereby become vulnerable, I returned his hostile onslaught with a louder, harsher, and more eloquent rebuttal, silencing the opposition and removing myself from the situation.
     I spent the remainder of the night in the same fashion as the afternoon, drowning my feelings in the anesthetizing effect of a constant stream of media.  Even alone, I would never let my guard down; such a thing would be unthinkable and, at this juncture, truly impossible for me.
     Vulnerability.  What is it? How does one find it?  Would anyone respect and protect it, were I to give it them?  I don't know the answers to any of these questions; all I know is that I'm a big girl.  As much as I wish I could be a little girl and just have someone scoop me up in a big, safe hug and let me know that I cold let go, that I could jump and they would catch me, that's not what's real; I never learned to be a little girl.  I'm a big girl - always have been, probably always will be.
     And Big Girls Don't Cry.
    
    

Blow Pops

     I did something a little unusual today; I ate a Blow Pop.  Ya' know, the lollipops with the bubble gum inside? Yep, I ate a big cherry flavored Blow Pop today.

      *Yawn*

       I know, "Who cares?" Right?  Well, I thought it would be a good way to start off my summer of reinvention.

     "You're not making any sense, Courtlyn."

     Well, here's the thing: I'm a very insecure, self-conscious person.  That's a BIG thing that I'm going to be working on this summer. So, first of all, I've always had problems doing anything I deemed "childish," even things that I think are very positive and potentially enjoyable. Suckers of all sorts have always fallen into this category. Secondly, as we all know, Blow Pops (and other suckers) have a tendency to turn one's mouth a very vibrant, unnatural color. This, to me, was always entirely unacceptable, even if no one would see because I wasn't going anywhere on a particular day.  Even if no one else would see it, I still felt embarrassed or somehow inferior or something of the sort if my mouth were an odd color.
     But, now, my entire mouth is a very vibrant shade of pinky-red and the best part is that I'm okay with that.  And, I'm not gonna lie, I almost liked the sucker :P
     So, that's my day in a nutshell.

     "You've explained yourself, and we kinda get what you're saying.  But we still think you're really weird.  Mostly because you're faking a conversation with a group of androgynous, indeterminate entities that you like to think read your blog."

     Hey, that's your loss, Imaginary Audience.
     I'll try not to post anymore today, as this will be my third post. But no promises. XP

P.S. I'm experimenting with various new layouts and will soon choose one. Be patient until then and feel free to offer feedback :)

♪♫You Can Laugh, But I'm Dead Serious♪♫

♪♫Watch her as she goes,
      There's something different and she knows it.
      Ask her why, and she'll flash that silly smile.
      She says she's got a purpose
      And she's done with all the games;
      Jesus saved her soul and she'll never be the same♪♫
   
     So, I've been thinking a great deal lately about a lot of different things. Mostly though, I've been thinking about some changes I'm going to be making over this summer (as I will have a good deal of down time) and the mission trip next month. 
     I've unofficially dedicated this coming summer to getting myself back on track. getting my life on track for the first time ever, now that I have a chance to do so.  It's going to take a lot of work, and a lot of changes are simply going to have to be radical, drastic, and sudden.  I'm trying to start deciding what those might be, but honestly, I really wish I could just sit down with someone and just process it all verbally in a completely honest and open fashion.  So that's a lot to contemplate.
     Also, I'm really thinking about the mission trip of which I'll be a part.  As I understand it - and I don't have a lot of details because I haven't had time to worry about them - we'll be in East St. Louis assisting in a center that essentially has a lot after-school type programs (although it's in the summer, so it's obviously not "after school") for inner city kids.  These are the kind of kids that have truly been through hell and back.  They've been through just about every imaginable atrocity and they live in poverty and abuse every day.  In many ways, I can empathize a lot with their problems; I grew up in a highly abusive home and have a lot of emotional baggage from it.  What I've been through could never begin to compare with the experiences of these kids, but I do believe it helps me to understand their psyche a great deal.  Their pain, for the most part, differs from mine in intensity rather than kind.
     These kids, people who have not been given the chances the rest of us have, people that have known nothing but pain and abuse - they are my passion.  They're the reason I want to be an attorney; it's not for the money or the excitement or anything of that sort: it's for the people without a voice, the ones who can't help themselves.  These are the people about whom I care the deepest.  They're the ones that I truly think that my experiences can help.  I think that through my pain, I have great sympathy, empathy, and understanding for people who have been through abuse and neglect. I think that they are the biggest reason that God allowed me to go through what I did. So I'm dead serious about this trip.
     I might have another post on this topic coming up; I'm not sure yet.
 

♪♫It's Your Life, Whatcha Gonna Do?♪♫

     ♪♫The world is watchin' you.
           Every day the choices you make
           Say who you are and who
           Your heart beats for.
            It's an open door;
            It's your life.♪♫
     So, I'm still completely uninspired. Utterly. Completely. So don't get your hopes up about reading something really profound right about now.
     Essentially, this weekend has been about homework and making it through the last couple weeks of school.  I've expended more creativity and thought this weekend than customarily do in an entire week of school. I. Am. Tired. Of. Thinking. Thus, this wretched post.
     Today, we went to church and Sunday school was, per usual, good.  Then there was lunch with my grandparents and aunt, and I shopped for some makeup at a sale.
     Tonight, I had class and there's where I started thinking.  The class was the second class at church for those of us going on the mission trip next month.  Really, I've just been thinking about it a lot anyway, but I started thinking more about tonight during class and what it means to be a servant leader and just how I should live day to day.
     We were presented tonight with various scenarios that we might encounter on the mission trip.  I answered some questions exactly as I believe the situation should have been handled.  Characteristically, I was forthright, saying, for example, that in a given situation we should "get a glass of water, paint smile on your face, and suck it up! We all signed up for this, after all!"  Then I started thinking: shouldn't we be doing that normally? I mean, I "signed up," so to speak, for the life of a Christian.  That means I should be that kind of servant leader all the time. We should be "on a mission trip" every day.  After all, the point of a mission trip is spread the Gospel. Shouldn't we be spreading the Gospel to those around us every day?  I think so.  As Christians, we have to be willing to show God's love everyday.  We have to be careful of how we represent God; we might be the only Jesus that a person ever sees.
     Anyway, that's what I've been thinking.
     Also, I've been thinking about a lot of things in my personal life.  I'm starting to think that this summer is going to be a summer of self-rediscover and reinventing.  I'm thinking a lot about who I am and how I've become and who I should be.  I really want to finally start getting my life in order, and I figure I better start soon. Thing is, I need people that are going to help me with that; I can't do it on my own. I know; I've tried. So, assuming I can find some people that will truly help me and lead me and guide me and stick with me through all the crap that's gonna go down during this journey, that's what I'll be doing this summer.
     And, I'll be sleeping a lot and going on a missions trip.
     And drinking a lot of coffee.
     And blogging.
     Anyway.
     That's about it.

Mother's Day 2011

   As most of you know, I've gone through a lot o changes in the past year.  One of those changes is that, for reasons not pertinent to this discussion, I now need make no pretense of observing Mother's Day.  This also means hat I am now free to observe in a fashion that suits me.  And this is that fashion.
   Over the course of my short but eventful life, I have come across many people of many different beliefs, backgrounds, and temperaments. Among these people, there have been difficult, vindictive individuals judgmental exclusivists, and sacrinely loving givers.  A personage that has been severely lacking, however, is that of a loving, caring mother.  Because of this unfortunate void, Mother's Day , in the past, has meant but little to me; it was a mere formality with which I grudgingly complied. 
   This year, as this holiday approached, I began contemplating the prospect of making this holiday mean something for the first time in my life.  This idea sparked as exploration of the meaning of the word "mother."
   It seems that the word "mother" can be defined in three distinct ways; the first is simply the biological maternal parent of an individual.  The second is the legal female guardian of an individual (this definition is, really, questionable at best; I threw it in for the argumentative types like myself).  The third definition, however, is vastly different; it is, I believe, the definition most proper in regards to Mother's Day.
   A mother is a woman who loves you unconditionally. She is a person that has helped, in some way, to raise you and make you the person you are today.  She is a woman that pulled you through difficult times in your life and hast stuck with you through good times and bad.  A mother hast taught you lessons that have become vial to you and your outlook on life, and she has bee willing to tell you when you were wrong and needed to change.  A woman who has done these things is someone that certainly, in my book, deserves recognition on this day.
   These sort of women are the women I wish to recognize.  Some have simply pulled me through a difficult time in my life or taught me a few important lessons; others have made sure that I never got "too big for my boots;" others have been with me through thick and thin, never backing down from the truth and never letting me give up.  Many of these women are still an active and vitally important part of my life.  Without these women, I don't know where I would be today.  Each and every one of them have shaped me into the person I am today.  Though I live to be thousand years old, I will remember these women and the things they have done for me. They have taught me about love and loss, pain and perseverance, and faith and fortitude.  They are my reason for celebrating Mother's Day.  At some point, they have all been a kind of mother to me.
   Am I going to recognize the same people over and over again every year? Maybe; but probably not. Obviously, I won't know exactly what I'll do next year until next year rolls around.  But I'm thinking I'll probably recognize women who have been important to me over the past year.
   But that's for me to know (eventually) and you to find out :)

"The Secret is Abolutely Refusing to Let the River Get You Down.....

   Once you know the secret, nobody's river can bring you down."
                       -Patty Bergen of Summer of My German Soldier

   Today someone who is going through some rough times asked me if there was anyway that they could ever get out of all this with any good outcome.  I said yes, and I shared a much-abbreviated version of my story.  After I was finished they said, "Hey, you should tell other people about that!"
   I wasn't so sure, but I figured, "Hey, why not?"  So here I am.  Most people that care to know already know the basic facts of my life, more or less. But I suppose there's no harm in posting the short version here. :P So, here it is.
   Well, I grew up in a highly abusive home; my father was an absentee parent, while my mother was involved in a cult and constantly beat me and told me and my sibling that my father and I were going to burn in eternal Hell for all eternity.  She tried to smother me, almost choked me to death, and daily attacked me both physically and emotionally.  In addition, I was home schooled, which meant that I NEVER got away from it, even for a moment.  I also had to feed, clothe, and educate myself and my two younger siblings (I'm the oldest).  It got so bad last spring that I tried to kill myself. Twice.
   Eventually, my dad thought we should start going to church again, and I wanted to as well - mostly to get away from my mother once a week or so.  So we started going to a church near our house.  For the first time in my life, I met people that truly showed me what unconditional love and acceptance was supposed to look and feel like.  Eventually, through many struggles, I was able to reach a point of strength at which I could finally give my father an ultimatum: his children or his wife.  He knew he had to leave her, that we couldn't live like this any longer. So he filed for divorce.
   Even now, almost a year later, we're still dealing with my mother's challenges, but my life is so much better now; I'm sixteen - a sophomore in high school, I was saved last fall, and I know that there are people who truly care about me and will never hurt or betray me.
   Also, I have been able to help a lot of people in recent months because of all the things that I've been through; I understand what others are going through, and I know I don't have to be afraid of what others think of me. I know that I've survived more than most people will ever have to survive; I know I'm strong and I can push through obstacles that once seemed insurmountable. Also, I have a new sympathy and a willingness to help others that I would never have had, had I not been through the struggles that I've been through.  I'm stronger, more loving, more caring, and far more wise than I would have been if I had had an easy childhood.  Everything that I believe in, I believe - not because someone told me to believe it, but because I know that it's true.
   In the middle of it, I never imagined anything good could have come of all the pain and heartache and struggle that I went through. But now, looking back, even though I would never wish what I endured on anyone, I wouldn't give up my experiences for all the world; they made me who I am today; and though I will always struggle with aspects of my past,  in the end, I am better for it.
   All this isn't to say I'm fine now; I still struggle with a lot of problems from my past.  But without that past, I would never have learned some of the amazing lessons I've learned; I wouldn't have the experience and insight that I have now; I wouldn't care about or emphasize with people the way I do, and I certainly would never have met the amazing people with whom I've come into contact.  I never would have developed the faith and strength I have now.  And I believe that I'm a better person because of what I've been through.
   The moral of the story?  Never forget that you're worth fighting for and that if you never give up, then no one can take you out! :)
 

Home is Not Where You Live, But Where They Understand You.

  Sorry I didn't post yesterday, everyone; I didn't get home until quite late and I didn't feel well because of allergies, so I just went straight to bed.
   Well, yesterday's "day" portion was, per usual, average. Last night, I went with Kayla Porter to a barbecue at the house of two of her youth leaders.  I do quite a few things with their youth group and I'd been to their house once before. Everyone in that youth group is fantastic and it's a place I feel really accepted. We talked and played games and,  in short, just had a marvelous time. It was really nice.
   Then, when my dad picked me up, is when my day took a downward spiral; I was already feeling ill because of severe allergies, and then he had to work late. He didn't have time to take me home and he said it would only take about half an hour. It turned into two.  By the time he was finally ready, I was through with the night and I just wanted to go home and go to bed. So, that's why I didn't even pop in here for a quick post.
   Really, it was pretty nice just to be there and talk with the people there. It was only me, Kayla, Lauren, Justin, a boy whose name, regrettably, escapes me (I think it was Nicholas?), and Dustin and Tirzah, so there weren't many people. But I was completely comfortable with all of them; they're all very relaxed and they just make everyone feel right at home among them, which is really quite difficult to do for me. They accept everyone for who they are.  That's a pretty difficult quality to come by, especially in a group that number more than two or three. They're special people.
   Anyway, it was nice to be able to simply relax and be myself as much as possible.  It doesn't happen often :)
Vale Nunc!

Life isn’t worth living unless you’re willing to take some big chances and go for broke

   So I hear. Today was an average day: certainly not bad, but not one I'll remember in a week. Tonight, however, I will probably remember for a long time to come - not because it was particularly fantastic or terrible, but because it was ordinary.
   I've been dealing with a lot of issues lately and have been, really, for...well, most of my life. Tonight, I went out for coffee with Jill, a youth leader at my church. We spent about a couple hours or so just talking and, while we didn't technically "solve any problems," it might have been the first time that I ever really just sat down and had a really frank conversation with someone about my problems.  I got a little good advice and whole lot of assurance that some people do, in fact, care. And that's really about as good a start as one can ever have on a journey of self-rediscovery.
   I'm sure many of you are thinking, "yeah, you had a talk about your problems; big deal!"  And I can understand that.  But I've never had that, so it was really special.  "Ordinary" is actually quite extraordinary to me. That's why I'll remember it.
   So that's been my day in a nutshell.
   Bonem noctem!

A'ight Ya'll, Let's Give This 'Notha Try.....

   Okay, so it's been a good while since I last blogged. I'm going to try to reboot this. As you can see, the blog's got a new face, and I hope that will be reflected in the blog.
   So, this will be a little more day-to-day oriented, and I might even post some random bits of writing here; we'll just have to see :)
   Also, I love writing but tend to have trouble thinking of anything to write, so if any of you have any ideas, let me hear them!
   That's about all I got right now, so I'll talk to you all later. In the words of a wise if devious man, till then, think of the world! [exit, stage left] ;P