Two roads diverged in a yellow wood....

   And sorry I used to be that I could not travel both.  But no longer!  I've had a bit of an epiphany:  I've been trying to hold onto a life that died a long time ago; and at the same time, I was desperately stretching and grasping for another one, just out of reach.  I kept asking God why He wouldn't just move this Holy Grail a little bit closer.
   Well, I think I've just figured it out.  I wasn't supposed to stretch farther; I was supposed to let go.  And that's what I'm going to do.  I'm done with the lying, the trying, the fighting, and the dying.  It's over, I'm through. I'm not going to keep raising someone else's kids, running someone else's household, and keeping order where it's not appreciated.  If I'm gonna keep on giving and sacrificing, it's gonna be where it matters. 
    I was not put here by God to waste my talents and energy spinning my wheels here in this little dead-end pothole.  I'm here to do great things and to go places and to be someone!  So I'm done with this.  These people can run their own lives and be or not be whoever or whatever they dang well please. I've spent my entire life on them, and they don't care.  Now, neither do I.  Doesn't mean I don't love them, I'm just done living for them. 
    If I had any friends whatsoever, this would be time for a PARTY!  But, seeing as I have no friends, I guess I better go find some :P So, anyone out there not totally annoyed by me and willing to give a friendship a chance to grow? lol

Life is Great, Gettin' Better....♪♫

     So, Judgment House is over :'(  But it was awesome!!!!! 40 Salvations!! And just all around great times.  Couldn't top it if I tried.  And it really helped me get to know some people and feel more.....at home, i guess....in the group.  I'm still not really friends with anyone :/ But at least don't feel as awkward......
     Saturday night after Judgment House was over, we all went to Spencer's house for Star Wars nite :D His room.....danggggg......He's more of a Star Wars freak than I am! hahaha, he's awesome.  Only a few of us actually stayed for the whole movie lol.
     Sunday morning, it was.....different......Brad noticed it too.  In his words, "Everyone talked together."  There weren't all those little groups, isolated, closed systems of gossip and gregarious frivolity.  Instead, we were all talking in 1 or 2 large groups.  And these groups interacted with each other.  And I actually felt comfortable enough to be a part of the group.  It was weird, but it felt really good. 
     Then, last night, I went to Megan G.'s bonfire.  It was fun.  Most of the people I really feel most comfortable around were there.  We laughed, talked, joked around.  I didn't know everyone, but I knew most of them.  It was nice, just sitting around a fire, going on a hayride, joking around with people, scaring a few.  It just felt.........natural. 
     I just hope all this can last.  I hope it's not just forgotten in a couple of weeks.  I think too much.  I wish I could just enjoy the good things while they last, but I can't stop my mind from running a hundred miles an hour, rationalizing and predicting.  And I know I'm usually right.  Which is depressing, because all that it tells me is the human nature is to have highs, and then forget and fade back into mediocrity.  
     But while it's here, I'm going to make the most of it.  I just am.  It's all I got and, whether it lasts or not, I need to make some memories. 
     Thanks to everyone that's made the past two weeks possibly the best in my life.  And I mean that.

Judgment Hoooouuuuuuuuuse!!!!!!

     Yeah. So, that's pretty much what's going on.  I'm on a TOTAL high right now.  Thursday we started Judgment House, and it's going awesomely.  And, in a way, I think it's actually helping me feel more comfortable with the youth group.  I just hope I get more comfortable and that after all this is over in about a week, that I'll be able to find a permanent place here.  I so hope I can. 
     Anyway, Judgment House is, of course under insane attack by the Devil, with health, relationships, external influences, blah blah blah.  Just pray for it.  And all those involved.  :)
     This is the first time in.......wow....maybe......ever.........that I feel......alive.

A Place to Call Home

   So, I'm just really conflicted and confused right now.  Life is kinda just pulling me in a thousand directions.  On one hand, I just want so desperately to fit in.  I think I'd do just about anything, but when I actually need to step out of my shell, I just can't.  I can't even seem to accept help from people.  It's not that I don't want it.  I desperately need and want it.  I just have no idea how to accept it.  It's like.....a......foreign language.  I just need someone to teach it to me. 
     Anyway, in a way, things seem to be looking up.  But I really don't know.  I'm just so confused.  A lot of people seem to be caring in little ways, but I'm just....i don't know, I can't seem to make it possible to make it possible for them to comfortably do anything more, even though I know some of them want to and are trying. 
     So tonight I was at JAM and Judgment House rehearsal at church.  It was really bittersweet somehow.  On the one hand, it was amazing.  It just was.  But on the other hand....I don't know.  I was watching everyone (like always, it seems) and I just want so bad to be a part of the group like everyone else.  I don't want to be treated special.  I don't to be handled with kid gloves.  I just want to fit in.  I want the love and caring and support system more than anyone can imagine.  But I want something else too.  I want to be jokingly pushed and shoved.  I want someone to take a glancing swing at me for a smart remark.  I want someone to tackle me just for the lark of it.  I wanna chase and tackle someone because they threw something at me.  I wanna sit next to someone on the couch and just laugh and talk and belong.  That's it.   I just want to belong.
     Anyway, that's it.
    Oh, and if anyone reads this, would they comment or something?  I'm just wondering if anyone ever actually reads this.  If no one's interested, then I'll probably just start writing in a diary or something.  But if you want me to keep posting, then comment and tell me!  Thanks.

Hmmm......Life...... :P

Wow, it's been a while since I last posted. :O
  Well, A lot's happened, kinda.  My bro broke his arm on Wednesday, and then moved back in with us on Friday. 
  It's just been a good week.  I don't really know why, it just has :)  We went to the haunted house at the OC.  Total joke, but fun anyway lol. 
  I Guess what's really on my mind right now is my Sunday School teacher.  she recently lost her grandfather, and, as often occurs, it's apparently caused a lot of family hoopla.  that's always horrible.  And I think that's been hard for her.  And it just seems as though there's a lot going on with her right now.  I wish I could help her somehow.  I would give so much to fix it.  I just wish there was something I could do.  All I can do is pray.  And I don't like the sound of desperation or something when I say that, it's just that I wish I could just "fix" it all.  i hate that look in people's eyes.  It breaks my heart, even when I see it in a complete stranger, let alone someone I actually care about.
  I don't know.  I know that somehow, she'll get through it. Everyone I'm worried about right now will.  i just don't know how.
  I wish other people's problems didn't eat away at me like this.
  Anyway, I am doing wonderfully, but some people I care about aren't.
  That's it.

Is There Anyone That Fails? Is There Anyone That Falls? Am I the Only One in Church Today Feelin' So Small?♪♫

   I don't even know how to describe the last few days.  In a way, they were awesome, but then they were so bad......
   On Saturday I got my hair done, which was good.  Then, that night, I saw "To Save A Life" with my youth group at church.  It was just as good the second time around.  But, again, it got me thinking again, which I've been really trying to avoid.  Most people identify with the "good" or "semi-good" characters.  I don't.  I identify with the boy at the beginning who killed himself.  I identify with the outcast that was framed for the school bomb threat.  Sorry to you guys who haven't seen it and haven't the foggiest as to what I'm talking about, but it's true.  I just wish soooo badly that someone would see me. 
   Then we all talked about it, and Brad gave a small lesson of sorts.  It was good, but again, everyone said how much it affected them, and that they would try to see the "outcasts" and the "underdogs" and all that.  But then, the next day, nothing had changed.  I don't just mean for me.  There are other people on the outside of  "The Group" there.  Nothing changed.  Everyone kept talking about the movie, but no one did anything different. 
    That and some other stuff got me out of sorts, but I was able to pull it together for the next morning.
   Sunday started out good.  I went to church, and we had a good lesson, despite the fact that my teacher-Miranda- was out of town.  The reason she was out of town totally made me think of her all the previous night and the rest of yesterday and today, because someone in her family passed away.   But even with that, I still was trying desperately to be happy. 
   After church, we stayed there to film a scene for Judgement House (a production that we're putting on).  At first I felt kinda dumb, pretending to cheer for a game and all that, but eventually I got into the mood, at least a little bit, mostly thanks to some very entertaining people (Thanks Tanner Furtkamp and Mitch Lewis :P ).  So I was in a good mood for that.
   But then we had Judgement House practice, and as we all sat down and people started practicing their lines with each other, I realized again that I was the only loner.  No one was practicing their lines with me.  I wasn't practicing my lines with anyone.  I was in a room full of loud, happy people.  But once again, I was a silent, desolate onlooker.
   It just got worse from there.  When I got home, I tried to play it up again like I was just so happy and everything was fine, but, to make a long story short, It wasn't and I ended up in a yelling match.  I ended up walking all the way to church, and then my father picked me up once he found out. 
   Today just sucked.
   I don't know what to do.  If one person, just one person would just help me, I could survive this.  But no one will.  Sometimes someone will smile, or wave, but it's just not enough.  Someone is going to have help me out of this.  And I don't mean stroll out with me.  I mean that someone is going to have to grab me and lift me up and out of this by brute force.  And they're going to have to do it with me fighting them all the way.  I don't want to make it that hard, but I don't know how to accept help. 
   All I can do at this point is hope that I can survive this.  If I hadn't been afraid that a certain few people would feel guilty, I might not have survived last night.  But I still care about others, even if I don't care about myself.  But that's fast fading.  I don't know what to do.  Someone please help me.

You're Hot and You're Cold, You're Yes Then You're No♪♫

   That certainly applies to me.  Like last night at Homecoming.  Until about 10 o'clock Thursday night, I didn't think I could go.  Then, to make a long story short, my friend next-door and her mother forced me to ask because they knew how much I wanted to go, and when I finally asked (or, rather, my friend asked) I was allowed to go and it all worked out fine.
   So, I ended up going to Homecoming.  Before I say anything negative, let me say that I had an amazing time.  But I didn't dance once that entire night. I have no idea how to dance, but that wasn't really what held me back.  It was simply an excuse. I just have no idea how to just "have fun."  I can't just let my hair down.  I don't know how.  I guess that when you keep everything under control for so long, and hide everything you feel so well, even when you try to let it out, all that shows through is the melancholy.  I don't understand how let it all go.  I wish I did.  I wish someone would teach me to be alive again.  Or rather, just be alive, because "again" wouldn't apply here.  I would give anything just be like all those people just having fun, just living.  But the only place I ever feel alive and like I fit in is in things like Bible studies and Sunday School classes.  Literally.  I'm never comfortable anywhere else.  What I really need is just one person, just one person, who will just take control of me and teach me what it means to live, to be free.  I try, but it would take a lot of patience, a lot of work, a lot boring time spent trying to get me to let go.  But if someone, anyone, would do that, I would give back so much more than they could imagine. 
   So basically, I loved Homecoming, but it was very bittersweet. 
P.S.  All my friends were stunning :D

It's an Ordinary Day. Things are Crazy, But It's Alright♪♫

   Not much going on, but not nothing either :P  Spirit Week at school, Premiere Week for tv shows :D  Me and Kelsey are gonna have the BEST Nerd Day outfits!  And tomorrow's See You At The Pole, so I'll be going to church in the morning as a TOTAL nerd haha!  But it's all good, they'd (mostly) see me at school anyway :P  Thursday is Class Color Day, and me and Kelsey will be matching with blue t-shirts, blue jeans, blue beanie hats, and (possibly) blue spray-painted hair ^_^ So yeah, life's pretty good at the moment, but it's one of those things where it could just go really right or really wrong. Just kinda depends on what happens next.  Well, let's hope it's good.

I'm Learning to Live♪♫

   Well, last night was fantastic.  My Sunday school teacher, Miranda, had a game night at her house with our class.  It was awesome.  We had biscuits and chocolate gravy :P DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU TRY IT!!!  it was actually really good!  Then we played Catch-Phrase (I ROCK at that game, along with Miranda and Emily Gideon haha!) and we had some valuable conversations.  It was nice, just hanging out with other teens and having good NORMAL fun. 
   That's something I just don't really know how to do.  I never just have fun.  It's hard, knowing what to do in a non-serious situation.  In situations where most people are awkward and clueless, and totally at a loss, I'm completely at home, and instinctively know what to do.  Like at funerals and stuff like that. I can comfort people in ways that others can't.  I don't know how, but I just do.  But in places where everyone is comfortable and is just having nice, meaningless fun, I'm totally lost. I hate that.  But no one will try to show me how to just cut loose and let my hair down.  That's something I really need.  But maybe I just will never get it.  I don't know. 
   But last night was nice.  I lost myself for just a little while, while we were playing Catch-Phrase.  It was weird, and yet, it felt soooo good.  I just hope that I can find a place in my youth group.  I hope I can make some friends and become a fun person to be around. I just need someone to teach me....
   Anyway, last night was the best time I've had in a long time.  I need more of that.  Thanks Miranda!

If we are the Body, why aren't His arms reaching?

  Why aren't His hands healing?  Why aren't His words teaching?   Some of you may know that song from Casting Crowns.  Well, since this past Saturday, that's kinda been the theme of my experiences.  On Saturday I had a blast at one of my friend's church.  The youth group had a movie and game night.  It was amazingly fun, but the movie got me thinking. 
   We saw the movie "To Save a Life."  First of all, I'm gonna say that it is now one of my favorite movies ever.  It was about pretty much every teen issue you could come up with, and had a phenomenal Christian message.  It really got me thinking about reaching out and helping and accepting people. 
   Then on Sunday evening, after the always-enjoyable usual church service that morning, I went with my youth group to an event called "The Stand."  That, my friends, was an experience.  There was a lot of singing, and a message.  It basically challenged Junior High through College aged kids to reach out in their schools and "take up their cross."  It really made me start reconsidering the way I've handled myself. 
   One thing that was stressed was the fact that we will be judged, persecuted, and rejected if we stand up for our faith.  We have to accept and deal with that.  Jesus DIED for us, so being a bit of a social pariah at  times seems but a small price to pay.  In addition, in my case at least, I'm already unpopular!  I don't have anything to lose.  And personally, I'd rather be unpopular because I AM someone, not because I'm no one. 
   And really, why do we pretend be someone or something just to please other people?  I would far rather be hated for who I am than be loved for someone I'm not.  God made each and every one of us for a reason.  He has a purpose and a plan.
   That's not to say that I feel that way all the time.  In fact, most of the time I actually feel totally meaningless and purposeless.  But that's something that I'm going to have to work through, and now I have some people who are willing to help me, so I can finally start figuring out how to get past all my issues.  But until I figure it all out, I'll just keep telling myself that and keeping a good attitude and trusting God. 
   So, basically, I've been thinking a lot and I'm going to be changing some things. :) And I've had some amazing experiences that have in fact made a very important impact on me.

Just Hangin'

   So, nothing too exciting is happening right now, still lookin' up and actually enjoying life for once.  Not necessarily because everything is perfect, but because I've had an attitude change.  Amazing what that can accomplish.....
   I'm going to a friend's church for a movie and game night tonight, and then I have church in the morning. :) School's going good, and life is just pretty much looking up.  Still struggling with a lot right now, but with the support that I've now realized some people are willing to give, I'll get through it all.
   Oh! And I have some new favorite songs lol ♪♫ They're not new, and I don't know if you guys are interested, but it's my blog, so I suppose I'll post'em:  American Dream by Casting Crowns, Dead Serious by ZOEGirl (now disbanded:( ), You Get Me by ZOEGirl, and Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns ♪♫

Well Brad and Nehemiah, It's a good lesson.

   So at church Wednesday night, the lesson was from Nehemiah.  It was about how Nehemiah helped the Israelites rebuild the wall around Jerusalem.  Brad (my youth pastor) made the point about how when Nehemiah had a problem, he took it to God and left. it. there.  Well, as I stated in my last post just earlier tonight, I was really upset about some stuff, mostly having to do with a friend.  Well, also as my previous update stated, I finally was able tonight to do just that.  I left it with God and decided I was going to continue with my life and just trust Him to work it all out.  Within two hours, I got a text from my friend (who lives next door) saying that she was "embarrassed to ask this, but ur the only person i hvnt asked, can i use one of ur bakpaks?  im rlly srry...."  We'd texted some today, so she knew that I wasn't mad at her.  I of course promptly emptied out my extra backpack and scurried over there to give it to her.  What ensued was a 20 minute conversation through her open window that resulted in my being able to explain the entire situation (which had happened nearly two weeks ago) and her understanding.  Now everything is fine.  Really just a lesson in trust and obedience in my book.  So, all of you that were there Wednesday night (and those of you who weren't) and were thinking "But that never works!":  It works.

Well, It's been one of those days....

   I just got some stuff goin' on, and it's really getting me down.  I have a friend that I'm afraid I might have lost.  She was angry at someone else, somehow through some different twists, I've been lumped together with that person.  And there was a HUGE misunderstanding about the entire situation.  I keep waiting for her to come around, but I'm not sure if she ever will.  I'm doing everything I can, but I'm just at a loss now. 
   It's looking like there might be reconciliation at some point in time.  Maybe.  But I'm really not at all sure.  I just wish I knew what to do.  Why can't God just come down and give me a message saying "Do the below steps in sequential order, and ALL WILL BE RESOLVED"???
  But there's a difference this time around.  Usually this would send me spiraling, seeing as she's my only actual friend in the world that I actually ever get to see.  But this time, I'm not going to let it eat me alive.  It's definitely getting me down, but it's not gonna take me out!  I'm giving it to God.  He knows how to fix this, and as long as I do my best to do what I know to be right, I know I'll get through this. It's just going to take some time and support.

Wow. Mind over matter.

  It really works people! Yeah, so after talking with some people (most notably my Sunday School teacher) this past Sunday, I decided, as my earlier post states, that I was going to change some things.  Well, today I just decided that I was going to have a good time and be ME, no matter what anyone else thought.  And, to my great surprise, it actually was nice.  People liked it.  That was unexpected.... And once I convinced myself that I was happy, I actually became happy.  Man, I should listen to some of you guys more often........  Anyway, it's been an awesome day, and I'm looking forward to another tomorrow!  And thanks Miranda! :D

♪♫Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forhead.....♪♫

  Well, this has been a good weekend, all things considered.  Yesterday I went to my grandparents and saw all my cousins.  Then we went to Silver Dollar City and saw Jeff and Sheri Easter in concert at Echo Hollow.
  But today was really good.  I'm beginning to realize that there are people out there who are willing to help me. I don't quite know how to accept their help as of yet, but I'm learning.  I am so glad that God has blessed me with such an amazing church family.  I really wouldn't be here without a few in particular, and that's not an exaggeration.
  So yeah, as of today, I'm starting new, starting fresh.  I am under no illusions; I know it won't be easy.  But, as a very good song states: Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead.  Yesterday is a promise that you've broken......This is your life; are you who you want to be?
  So I'm gonna be who I was meant to be.  I don't have all the answers.  I won't always do the right thing.  But I will try.  I will make a conscious effort to become who I'm here to be.  And I will do my best to use the experience that God has given me to help others.  And I will learn to put my value in what God sees, not what other people see.
  So all you guys reading this, be my witnesses.  I am no longer the girl you used to know.  She is dead and gone, and she ain't comin' back!

This entire week was a waste of deodorant.....

   Just let it be Sunday already.  I'm soooo ready for church.  Better yet, let's go back to last Sunday and just re-do this week......  Well, basically, this week just sucked big.  I'm just tired of stuffing all my issues down deeper and deeper inside.  I don't know how to ask for help, so I don't.  Well, maybe I'll figure it all out eventually.  Until then, I'll keep helping other people fix their problems.
   Tomorrow I'm off to my grandparents' to see my cousins and for Labor Day grill out or whatever we're doing.  Maybe I can forget all of this for a while...

I just feel like crap.  This day should have been awesome.  It had all the necessary ingredients for a perfect day.  But it just didn't happen..... I really don't see a light at the end of the tunnel at this point.  Does anyone have a flashlight?

I am so ready for church tomorrow.....sooooo ready...... And I don't know about you guys, but i have some pretty cool people at my church.  The kind that will spend 20-30 minutes on Facebook chat with you late at night just because you're upset, even though they really don't know you that well.  Just really shows the love of Christ in a powerful way.

Hi Everyone!

So, this is my new blog.  This is just to talk about me, my life, my hobbies, and my God.  Check it out, stick around, just make yourself at home! :)